Hurt, Anger and Guilt

I need to rant and it isn't going to be funny. If you're looking for funny, come back tomorrow; maybe I can help you out then. 

I'm angry. 

And I don't have anyone I can tell this to, without feeling worse about how I feel.

My mother fell four weeks ago. She's been in a nursing home for the past three weeks. But before that, I lived at the hospital, going days without seeing my children, taking a shower or eating anything that resembled a healthy meal. I slept sitting upright in a vinyl chair, waking every hour when the nurse would come in to check my mom's vitals or more often when my mother would need a pillow shifted, a drink of water, or the nurse called. (Because my mother broke her right shoulder and left wrist she was unable to even use the call button.)

And I was happy to do it. But I felt guilty that I didn't do more.

Last week was the first week where I didn't visit my mother in the nursing home every. single. day. for at least four or five hours. (I still average almost 40 hours at the nursing home, visiting her five days a week.)

And I'm happy to do it. But I feel guilty that I couldn't do more.

But I know that I can't live at the nursing home. My family needs care also. I'm running three small businesses and all of them are doing poorly. My children desperately need routine in order to function. My husband can't cook or clean without A LOT of direction. (These are the jokes people.) My house is on the market and can't be shown in the condition it's in.

And I'm angry that I'm supposed to re-arrange my life to care for my mother, when no one else will.

I also know that I need sleep, even if it's fitful. I know that I need a fresh fruit or vegetable once in awhile and that every third drink (minimum) should be something water-like and not highly caffeinated. I know I have to take care of myself in order to be of use to my mother. I know all of that.

And I'm angry that my friends have done more to help me then many family members have.

I've also sat through my mother's drug induced rants, where she accused me of trying to kill her. And I've silently cried while listening to her have nonsencical conversations with long dead relatives.

I've been awakened by middle of the night phone calls from the nursing home, to listen to my mother beg me to come back and sit with her, so often that I no longer sleep in my bedroom but on the couch in the living room, so that the phone doesn't wake my husband.

And today I was told by my mother that one of her nurses encouraged her to "have a talk" with me about some things that were on her mind. Some overnight nurse thinks that I really should be doing more and that I'm treating my mother like an inconvenience.

And I'm angry that some bitch I've never met has the audacity to make assumptions about my level of involvement with my mother's care.

But more importantly, I'm hurt that my mother thinks I haven't done enough.
Before anyone says anything negative about my mother, please note that the pain medication has really done a number on her. It makes her very paranoid and gives her terrifying nightmares. Even though she's been off the meds for over a week she still has a hard time differentiating reality from dreams. 

Peace Out!
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