19 July 2011

When a Taser is the Only Answer

The conversations that you are about to read actually occurred.  Names may have been changed to protect the innocent. 

The Hubby:  "We should own a taser."
The Mommy:  *audible smirk* "With OUR kids?"
The Hubby:  "Yeah, ESPECIALLY with our kids!"

       I used to think that that single convo demonstrated the the fundamental difference between the Hubby's "parenting theory" and my own. Now I'm not going to tell you that I've never had a "taser" moment per say concerning the children. Far from it! I just never would have thought that a taser was the answer. But now I've found that since the idea is out there I can no longer see any other viable options......
       The point is, I've come to understand my Hubby's point of view here.  First of all, it is completely obvious to everyone with a brain me if no one else, that Porter in particular doesn't comprehend the English language. I mean, how else can you explain why the child does what he does.
        Me:  "Porter stop jumping over Mongo. You're gonna fall on him and he will bite you!"
        (2.3 seconds later) Porter comes to me holding his hand and wailing. 
        Me:  "What's wrong Porter?"
        Porter:  "WAAAHHHHHHH!!" *blubber, blubber, whine, moan* "Mongo bite me!!!!"
        Me:  "Why did he bite you?"
        Porter:  "Cause I fall down on 'im!!!!  Wahhhhhhh!!!" *blubber, blubber, whine, moan* 
I should probably note here that the dog didn't bite my son although I wouldn't have blamed him if he had. He did growl and nip in Porter's general vicinity and if a 40+ pound preschooler did a flying-elbow-drop and landed squarely on your back you would have probably done more than snap!
        He does have his funny moments. Porter had talked Nana into buying us him donuts. In the car he told me about the purchase.
        Porter:  "Nana buy me DONUTS."
        Me:  "Really?  What kind of donuts?"
        Porter:  "Umm, chocolate kind and umm...the YUCKY kind."
First of all, I don't know where he gets the idea that ANY donut is yucky but, What?
        Me:  " The yucky kind, Nana?"
        Nana:  "Apple fritters--for us."
        Me:  "Oh."
        Porter:  "Yeah, the yucky kind."
But normally things pretty much run the same way.  Porter is told to not/stop doing something by the parental units and given consequences as to why he should comply--usually either to prevent harm from coming to him or others or what his punishment is going to be should he decide to continue said behavior.  (This is where the taser would come in handy.) Mostly though, the talking has proven ineffectual.
       It's been a rough couple of weeks around the Mommy household. Porter has been horrific demonic difficult; he's been defiant and has spent a good deal of his time hell-bent on destruction testing boundaries. Against my better judgement but because I couldn't stand to be in the same room with him any longer I allowed him and Logan to go camping overnight with Papa. (It turns out it was a night that Papa won't soon forget.) It seems that the behaviors that I've dealt with for the past two weeks continued at Papa's and after Porter was reprimanded he decided to show Papa how angry he was--by peeing on the floor of Papa's RV and Logan. (I don't know why Logan was brought into this little display; he might have just been caught in the crossfire, as it were.)
       If I had been in this situation I'm really not sure how I would have dealt with this. I mean where in the parenting handbook does it cover Angry Urination? But I think we can all agree that a taser would have leveled the playing field a bit!

Need more funny from my Hubby? Check out these posts....
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